Why didn't I see the problem?
A little update for those of you who may know my story. AH has been clean now for almost 3 months. I am still very torn as to whether I want to still be married to him or not. I am trying to work very hard on cleaning up my side of the street. I am trying to forgive AH at this stage of our therapy. So the therapist said make a list of all the ways AH has hurt you. . . get it all out, every little detail and then rip it up, burn it, what ever makes you feel better.
So I started this list! I started back 6 years ago of all the times I saw drugs come up and caused a problem in our relationship. I started to write down instances from when we were dating!
- found a bottle of pills in his apartments that were not prescribed to him
-confronted him, believed and accepted his answer of they were just there when ever he had a back ache from work and they were nothing to worry about
-surprised him in lingerie at his apartment when he got home from work only for him to show up high and unable "to perform"
- And the one that really takes the cake is our first Christmas together we had been dating for about a month and a half. I spent the day at my parents and then went to his house that evening. His parents were there so it was going to be my first time meeting his parents, brother and sister. I get there all dressed in my cute holiday outfit. I walk in and his parents are sitting on his couch. The place is filled with smoke because they smoke cig.s and they don't even stand up to say hello. Everyone was high including my AH (boyfriend at the time) It was so awkward like nothing I have ever seen before. AH and I exchanged gifts while everyone was looking at us in there stoned out gaze. Then after watching tv for a bit AH wanted to take a nap. It was the worst Christmas of my life.
As I started to make this list and listed all of these things from our dating time I was horrified. I was so blind. Why did I allow myself to get involved with someone like this? Why after all of these things would I continue to date him?
This makes me so depressed and makes me really question who I am? I am an idiot for being apart of this! I obviously have issues to of stay in a relationship like this! Why didn't I see it?
We dated for almost a year before we got married. I haven't even started listing anything else I was so sad after just remembering and bringing these things up. I am having a problem forgiving MYSELF for this. I married this man and had a child with him!!!! What was I thinking!! I find myself not trusting myself, not wanting to open myself up to AH even though he has been clean because I feel I don't make good decisions when it comes to him. Well obviously!! I don't want to add anymore things to my list! I won't let this happen anymore!
Forgiveness is a hard thing especially when it comes to yourself and your spouse. I am struggling. How do you forgive yourself and your spouse? The two ppl closes to you that have abused you so bad over and over!
Some ppl say you have to forgive the person because they didn't know what they were doing at the time. So you forgive but then don't put yourself back in that position again. Is that forgiveness? The pastor says we should always forgive?
How do you forgive yourself and others?