Blindsight

I am angry, let down, scared, and concerned.


My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We didn't get married way back then for several reasons, one being that he is what I called a dabbler. He dabbled in this drug or that drug, but his main DOC was/is marijuana. Instead, I married an alcoholic who was a hard worker and good provider, but was as mean as a snake. After 14 years of finally getting tired enough and brave enough, I finally left. My husband also married someone else and their relationship started and was almost purely based on drug use. Both of our exes were unfaithful as well. My husband and I married shortly after my divorce. I knew of his habits when he was married before and we openly talked about it and my fear of his relapse. Although he didn't promise me it wouldn't happen, he didn't feel that it would resurface, especially since it had been well over a year since his last use (of crack). Shortly after we married, we started a business in his line of work. The first year was great, then the economy tanked. We have managed to keep the business open, but the bills rarely get paid on time. It is basically him running it himself and I do the books and work a full time job as well.

His use started again about a year ago. The first time I didn't know what the problem was and it was short lived anyway so I moved on. This past spring it lasted about 6 weeks and when I realized he was withdrawing $40 to $60 up to $100 every other day, I knew exactly what was happening. I confronted him and he readily admitted his use. He gave up all access to the bank accounts and things improved. Then it happened again in the summer and I knew within a week or so. This time, I told him I couldn't go through it again and reminded him what I went through in my 1st marriage. He begged me not to leave and he would do whatever I wanted him to. I told him he needed rehab and therapy and he needed to quit smoking marijuana (he doesn't hide this from me but doesn't do it in front of me or our kids). He said he wanted to quit, but that rehab was out of the question as we would loose everything if he wasn't working. I told him we would loose everything anyway if he died from smoking crack. He gave me a list of phone numbers to block from his phone, which I did. He gave up his debit cards again. Then, this week it happened again. I don't know how he was getting in touch with his suppliers, but he was using cash money jobs to fund his use. He wasn't as quick to admit this time, but I really didn't need him to anyway. I love him, but I want to leave. I spent my whole young adult life dealing with an addict. I don't understand this addiction...nor do I want to. I have stress too and I don't use drugs or alcohol. I think it is BS. I just want to live a normal life and I thought we would be able to do that. I feel sorry for him having to deal with his weakness, but I don't want to worry about it. It will consume me like it did before. I would have already left but I feel like his daughter (both of our daughters live with us) needs a parent she can depend on (she never sees her addict mother) and I can't abandon her and I worry about her future. I am mad because my daughter has two dads that are both loosers. I know that sounds harsh, but I would never put myself in a position where my kids couldn't depend on me. Lastly, I feel like we are being punished. My husband works hard and I just don't get it. Why can't accomplishing your responsibilities be an addiction? I told him that I wanted to leave but I had worries about my step daughter. He told me that if that was the only thing keeping me there, to go on and go. He doesn't understand that I would not lie to her about why I would be leaving. She would be devastated. I am lost here, I feel like I am being selfish, trying not to be selfish.