Choices
I am trying to be strong..............I am trying to get better...........I loose focus...........
I had again a very hard day..........
I went to alanon lastnight...............It just feels good to be able to talk to people who understand right where i am at..........
this is a struggle.........each day.......
My husband is talking about leaving me.........how he hates me and everyone in my home...........I spent most of my day listening to how unhappy he is.....I left the room and he would follow me.........I tried to leave and he wouldnt let me............after spending the day belittleling me..........he somehow is at peace with himself.........got through another day without drinking........and I am here..........trying to pick up the pieces of complete heartbrake from todays events......................it is really hard to not let what he says bother me..........I try to reverse it and it work for a little while............where is my bottom.............where is my dignity..........where is my self esteem.............I am so tired.........mentally...............I am hanging on to knowing that my kids need me...............he says he has had it with my oldest child.........not helping around the house and that was his main focus today..........to thank god only to me while she was gone for the day.........say every bad thing that he possible could..............and this just tears me apart..................I dont have the strength to argue anymore..........I just listened..........and cried..................I want to stop the tears.................I want to stop the heartache.........I am trying so hard to get my life together and learn how I can trust in God to please come to some kind of resolution..............I know that in my heart I want to trust in God.........but I am afraid............I have never been able to trust anyone.......I know there is a God........and I am making the motions of going to church.........I even was baptized a couple of weeks ago.........but I am having a hard time with giving everything to him.............
Deep down I have this warped sense of feeling that things will change.......but I know in reality this is what I have............and I have to make choices...........I am not good at making choices.........but you either learn to accept things the way they are.........or you take a stand and when you take a stand you have to make choices...........I am scared of making choices................I am scared of being alone................one more person in my life......that is going to go away..........everyone always goes away......