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Old 11-13-2011, 06:39 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
FT
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi SecretLife,

Even though it was pain that got me on oxys, it was not really pain that kept me on them. Oh, I was convinced it was "actual pain" with me, just like you are probably thinking. It sure feels like pain. Hell, it IS pain. But, like I said above, pain is enhanced by opiate use in a vicious cycle of escalating drug/escalating pain.

In fact, I actually grew to want pain while I was using. No, I don't enjoy pain. But if I was in "actual pain", then I could get my drug, without having to lie. I've talked to many addicts who feel the same way. I didn't even care if I was in pain if I could use. If my pain went away, I could no longer use. Something real called "hyperalgesia" actually does occur to increase pain, and the opiates actually cause it. But I didn't care. I just wanted my drug.

The pill counting you are doing drove me mad. It is very common you know. I used to "steal" from my own drug supply, figuring I would deal with not having enough pills later on. TODAY was what counted, and "today" I would justify taking extra pills. I always ran myself dry before it was time for a new script, and EVERY TIME I went back to get one, I was sick with withdrawal and I would ALWAYS wait in the pharmacy for the refill, usually taking several pills in my car and sitting there waiting for them to take effect before I would drive the rest of the way home.

If you are sick of the pill counting, dope sickness between refills, constant thoughts of your next dose that never comes soon enough, maybe you're ready to stop. Maybe not. It took months and months of "wanting" to quit, trying to taper off, running in that hamster cage of doctor and pharmacy visits, before I finally had enough and just up and quit.

Keep coming here and reading. Post as much as you can. Try to get a handle on why you are really using opiates. If you are honest with yourself, the pain is secondary, or it is with most of us. I can say with all honesty that, yes, I am in a lot of pain off opiates, but it is no longer exquisite pain. There are a lot of definitions to that, some paradoxical, and they are by and large true for the addict.


Hey, I'm a middle aged woman whom no one would ever suspect could get addicted. Ha! Think again. Life addicted is hell. There is a way to get out.

FT
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