I need a friend.....
In a self induced haze, I came across this site. I'm still unsure if I'm excited to be sharing or scared ******** of the embarrassment & consequences of my actions. I have no one to talk to. I have been on painkillers & muscle relaxers for as long as I can remember due to an injury in my early teens. I am now 24. In the past year has been where I found myself unable to control my will power against this "evil". I do have legitimate reason for needing my medications. But I also realize that I am abusing them now. & it scares me. I often wonder if the drugs "make me". Or if I'm choosing to go on this downhill battle. I am prescribed to lortab 5-500. Some days I can take only 3 to get me by, other days I take 15. I have googled relentlessly to figure out what is going on. I am unclear if I AM an addict, or simply dependent on the drugs. I have tried everything for pain management. Pain killers, muscle relaxers, shots, lidocaine patches, chiropractic care, massage therapy, physical therapy, heat, cold, etc. But it all boils down to the fact that 1.its only $4 for my monthly prescription 2.it works 3.its easy for me to get my refills 4.i cannot afford the other options anymore. I'm sorry this is a bunch of rambling, i just have so much to blurt out because I have no one I can tell or talk to. I am a mother & a wife. My husband is aware of my pain & my medications. But like I said, in the past year I have found myself being unable to happily function without that precious happy white pill the second that I wake up. It takes away all my pain. It makes me happy. It makes me able to freely play with my daughter. I am able to work & stand on my feet without going to the bathroom & crying out loud due to pain. I am so lost. I have so much to lose. I don't WANT to be an addict, but I don't want to give up this medication & be in constant pain & miserable. I am taking a 30 day supply, in the matter of 8-14 days. & the other un medicated days, I suffer through. I cry. I am in pain. I am irritable. I yell. I count down the days till I can refill my prescription. I need someone to talk to. Someone who has been in my shoes or someone who is right where I'm at. Someone unbiased. Someone to tell me I am NOT a horrible person, wife, mother. I have so much more to say. But I am at work. It feels so good to let this all out. Even if no one responds, it was a release for me. Maybe some reflection. I fear someone (mainly my husband or a friend) will find this link on my phone. Or somehow it will be linked to my facebook & my suffering will be shared for the world to see. I fear the embarrassment & consequences. Someone, anyone, please help.