Florence, thanks for writing such an accurate description of my own feelings and the issues I struggle with in dealing with my own A relationship. I can so relate to feeling like you don't know if you like A sober or drunk.
I think we have to ask ourselves, what does a healthy relationship consist of? Surely reciprocity, emotional support, trust and honesty, and acceptance are all part of the equation. I don't think my ABF has any of these qualities, towards me anyways. He never really has.
I have been asking myself, of late, why did I accept so little for myself in a relationship. My 13 year marriage that ended by me leaving was so different than this one and included all of the above. I know what a healthy relationship can be like and so why was it acceptable for me to be used and trampled upon. I have to take responsibility for allowing this kind of treatment. I think if we can look deep within and truly examine how we are and how we deserve to be treated, answers will come in abundance.