Hi Florence -
I was reading a bunch of my old posts from 6 years ago... back when I started my first recovery journey. I noticed something interesting about my path back then...
I remember vividly learning how MY expectations of my AH were making me angry with him (hence leading to MY resentments). I got it - I saw how my happiness was MY responsibility not his. I heard many people saying that I had unrealistic expectations for my AH. Got it - I'm expecting something from somebody who can do it.
What happened next is very typical co-dependent behavior.
Instead of saying, "My expectations are not unreasonable for me, just my AH."... I lowered my expectations to meet AH's ability. I continually bent myself to adjust to whatever it was he could give me. Instead of fighting over the garbage getting taken out, I just took it out. I thought that my being "accomodating" (being the "good wife") was going to help make our marriage better - or at the very least, take the pressure of my AH so that he would somehow magically become the prince charming that I just *knew* he could be!! So I spent the previous 6 years, accepting less than what I deserved... taking on more than my share... and all that did was enable my husband.
Today, in my second round of recovery, I still see that my expectations of my AH are unreasonable for him... but they are not unreasonable FOR ME. It is not unreasonable to ask for my life partner to share equally in chores/responsibilities - for them to be there for me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If I am not getting what I need out of this relationship, I need to change what I can (communicate clearing as to what I expect - give the other person a chance to respond)... and if the relationship still doesn't work for me, then I need to be honest with myself about WHAT IS.
One of my favorite expressions is...
When you sober up a horse thief, you still have a horse thief.
Sobriety is not some magic cure-all.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon