AH is home from rehab. He went to The Fancy MN Rehab and for the first time really made *some* progress. The Fancy MN Rehab wanted him to go to another place in AZ for six months after discharge, but it was completely out of pocket and just not feasible. At the time I suggested that he look into some of the men's halfway houses in our area -- some of which have pretty good reputations -- so he could adjust to life outside of rehab without getting thrown directly from the fishbowl back into the ocean.
It has been one week today since he's been home. I wasn't sure if I wanted him home -- and I'm still not sure if I want him home -- but he's home. Our parents, both sets (both sets being extreme codependents), really pressured me to take him back in with open arms. Although I had reservations, I allowed him to be dropped off from the airport and he's living in the house now. The programs they wanted him involved in from discharge have not yet started, so he's basically tooling around the house all day, and probably will for another week. This alone is a major anxiety inducer for me.
I have been completely on edge since he has been back. This morning I was ready to throw in the towel altogether, not because he'd done anything, but because I'm ready to crawl out of my skin with nervous energy and apprehension.
I'm just near miserable today. A couple of things are really setting me off:
1) While he was in rehab, his counselor asked me to write him a letter letting him know how his alcoholism has affected me. I gladly did so, because this was the first time anyone has solicited my input on this whole situation. I wrote a long, four-page letter detailing my thoughts on his alcoholism and recovery to date, and my feelings of love, hope, disappointment, fear, you name it.
Not to brag, but I'm a pretty good writer. I've been published and I'm relatively well-known for some of the writing I've done in the past, so this was a concise and detailed letter that was meant as much for my AH's counselor as it was for AH. It turns out this letter was circulated around the unit so that all of the guys could read it and see a typical, articulate rendering of what loved ones go through with an addict. So, I know that not only did AH read the letter, but that it was shared and discussed umpteen times with other counselors, fellow RAs, etc., but not once has he discussed it with me. I've tried to bring it up a dozen times in the last 2 1/2 weeks since he got it, and it's conveniently not been the time or place for a conversation about how I feel. All he's told me is, literally, "Great letter."
2) I'm beginning to believe I am having some magical thinking about recovery, that he would come home from rehab and be appreciative, affectionate, stop sleeping on the couch, stop having excuses about his lack of ambition or organization, etc. Also, his counselor had some pretty explicit requirements for him to fill after leaving rehab, such as being out of the house and accountable for his time for about eight hours a day, filling me in on where he's supposed to be and what he's doing to rebuild trust, keeping track of all of his time every day. Since his aftercare programs haven't been in place yet, he's been procrastinating on finding volunteer work (like she suggested) to fill his time, or on finding a therapist (like she suggested). I've asked him what he's doing or how he's keeping track of what he's supposed to be doing, like making phone calls, etc., and I'm given a stock answer that says everything is fine, don't worry.
And guys, "everything is fine, don't worry," left the building a long time ago.
Since he's been home, I've been increasingly frustrated by these little things, which to me are reading as AH being a selfish jerk and on the path to relapse. Paired with the lack of discussion about my feelings about any/all of this, I'm back to feeling used. It just feels so one-sided, that he gets to seek self-actualization at a lazy pace while I'm working my ass off and trying to figure out how to makes dollars from dimes, and while my family helps pay our bills (and his family, man, they're rich but they've offered nothing -- them's another post altogether).
Point being, my tank is empty on a marital level and on the sobriety support system level. He has to give an inch somewhere on any level (affection, a compliment, some gratitude, some money, a morning to sleep in, some communication about his sobriety plans in action, ANYTHING, people) for me to feel like giving him the time and space to seek a good sober life while in my home on my dime is worthwhile. I tried to bring this up to him yesterday and lay out my cards, and he told me I was just picking a fight. It made me want to throw punches/cry in a pillow/crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head forever. I can't think of anything more dismissive than to beg to have a conversation about where I and my physical and emotional labor fit into this marriage or his recovery plans and be told that I'm picking a fight.
I'm aware that I'm probably being hypervigilant, but he's living with us after putting our kids in danger and he isn't contributing anything to the household but some cooking and household chores. I can do without both the danger and the maid work. I'm at a point where I don't want him present without making a verbal commitment to some ground rules for our home and our relationship, and I feel like he's completely avoidant of having these conversations or making any compromises. And I'm wondering whether it isn't true that not only do I not like who he is drunk, but I may not like who he is sober either.
So my biggest question is this: I know I have the right to leave this relationship at any time for any reason, but I feel like I need to give him time to adjust to "life on the outside" if you will. Do I? Am I nuts to keep at this? Can anyone with a spouse that has been through rehab and was supposedly REFORMED!!!11! share what life was like once they were home?
I don't know where I am. I'll take any ESH you guys can throw at me today. And remember, there's only one Al-Anon meeting in my area and it's in the middle of the day when I can't make it. You guys are all I have right now!