I totally understand your feelings as I am in a similiar situation. The thing is, my ex could be verbally abusive at times, or very cynical and sarcastic even on a good day. I have not seen him in months, but have talked to him. I think and pray for him daily as I do for my own strength. I have said a million times, if one of my friends was telling me the story I lived for almost 2 years I would be the first to say to them, "you don't deserve this, you need to move on" but I have a real hard time telling myself that. I have dated or hung out with guy friends that I have known for years who would be really good to me, but I don't feel the same love in my heart as I did for the ex. We were engaged and I, like you, thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I like alot of things about him, he is organized, low key and pretty laid back, although in reality he is a depressed mess. I actually had the first really long talk with him this morning and refused to talk about us as a couple, his drinking, or anything that could lead to laying blame. He blames everyone else but himself for anything that has happened in his life. I was glad to hear from him and know that he is doing okay and actually has a job interview coming up. He has been without a job for months and not realy concerned about it, so it seemed. We do have to look at ourselves in this too, and know just how much we really can put up with. The only people we can change are ourselves. I have remained strong in the fact that I have not allowed myself to spend anytime time with him in person because I am sure that would be my breaking point. I hope you can set the boundaries that you need to for your own sanity, because being with an alcoholic is like riding an emotional roller coaster. Even when you are not with them, you are thinking and worrying about them. Peace be with you, my friend.