I miss him
It's been one month since I broke up with my ABF. We were together two years, and he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He is a good man, a kind soul, who never once raised his voice, raised a finger, forced sex, or borrowed a dime from me. But he is an alcoholic and he is very sick. We actually broke up at his urging, though I was the one to do it. I am in the top graduate program in a very competitive field, and though I won't be done for a couple of years, my mind is wandering towards babies and houses. He is a self-described "trainwreck" who drinks 14 beers a day, battles depression and anxiety (which, yes, would get better if he quit drinking). He told me that I am in the prime of my babymaking years, and deserve better than him. He quit for three months, which was definitely when our relationship grew strongest, but then fell right off the wagon and spiralled quickly back to his regular intake.
It breaks my heart to know that he is in such a bad place. I have maintained NC since the breakup, though he did text me once after an earthquake to check on me, and called last weekend to say he missed me, his voice gravelly and sober. Worse, he called four more times that night, his voice smoothed by liquor, asking that I call or text him to tell him not to call me anymore. (Huh?) No response from me.
Because of my busy schedule, I am unable to attend any alanon meetings in my area. I have been seeing a therapist, talking with friends, going out, exercising, etc. But something in my core feels so empty. He is my best friend, and I love him deeply. We had talked many times about wanting to be with each other forever, and his grandmother had given him an engagement ring for me. But in the end, he chose beer over me, which is SUCH a bitter pill to swallow.
Feel so down. Any thoughts/advice/etc much appreciated.