Originally Posted by jds0401

Hi WTBH,

First I hope what I say is not crossing any boundaries and if it is I apologize in advance it's not meant to....for me this word judgemental has been a huge barrier for my recovery, more in terms of my ACOA issues than my codie/AH stuff. I think our childhoods were somewhat similar from what I've read on here (I may be wrong but that's what I meant by I may be crossing) - my childhood consisted of an overly controlling (and I mean extreme) emotionally and verbally abusive mother and a withdrawn A father, my mother caused me far more strife than my father ever did (and continues to try to do so even though I'm NC with her).

First my mother was ALWAYS judging me and ALWAYS talking badly about me to others to try to get them to judge me also (others being my friends parents, my other relatives and even my friends themselves)....she told the minister once when I went on a church field trip that I was a major problem child, had psychological issues and that he should "watch" me on the trip - his daughter was my best friend and she overheard the phone call and told me. I was 9. So I know how that type of family can make feeling judged a huge deal.

However what I've realized lately is the more damaging thing my mother did to me was to call me "judgmental" in order to amp up her control of me and make me feel small - so she did it to invalidate my opinions. So I would express my feelings on an issue and she would scorn me and call me judgmental and I would stifle my voice (and believe her that I was a judgmental horrible person). No one wants to be called judgmental - definitely not. And unfortunately that tactic she used on me (invalidating myself and my voice by calling me judgmental) wore off on me - and it really pisses me off about myself - but I find myself calling others judgmental when they say something I don't like to subconsciously nullify their opinion...AND - this is where I get to your post I also find myself beating myself up sometimes by calling myself judgmental (so I'm still reliving that childhood dance with my mother even though I've been NC with her 10 years!!!).

Anyway I thought I'd put that out there due to our similar backgrounds...maybe it doesn't apply. I do think you're being too hard on yourself though - it's ok to have the feelings you have about the drinking. Just my two cents.