learningtofly

I have been on this site on and off for the last 2 years. I have read about codependency and I thought I had a good idea of what it was, but today I had an epiphany, an ah ha moment if you will!

My AH is MY rock bottom!!! Oh I said to myself a little shocked hhmm I get it . . MY AH IS MY ROCK BOTTOM!!!! OMG how did I not see this!! I've been reading on here and "Codependent no more" and all this time I didn't see it!

The last time my AH relapsed (2 months ago) I have really had a wake up call and started to really dig into what has been going on with him and I. I keep asking myself how did I not see this in the beginning with him. How did I not know that he had a drug problem? How did I not see the red flags?

Now looking back there were red flags. I was wearing my rose colored codie glasses and decided not to look at it for what it was. I saw the red flags and wrote it off like "Oh it's not a problem he just uses every once in awhile". When he told me he didn't believe in God I said to myself "Oh he doesn't really mean that". When he made racist jokes I said " Oh he's just kidding around".

I made this almost fake husband up in my mind so that he would fit in every way I wanted him too. I wanted a husband that believed in God and that was NOT racist. I def didn't want a husband that used drugs, but instead of feeling uncomfortable and "rocking the boat" I wrote it off and ignored what I didn't like. When he would make remarks that I didn't like I would just think to myself "Oh he's so stupid sometimes no one feels like that . . he's just jerking my chain!"

HEELLOOOO wake up!!! Take off the codie glasses!! He means what he says . . after all he is the one SAYING IT!! What is wrong with me. I am just as dense and sick as my AH. Much like the addict is in a fog I was in a fog. The evidence was being told to me to my face and I still didn't believe it. I still acted as if everything was OK! WTH

Wow I am so floored by this!

Now I feel so responsible for all of these bad decisions. I married a man that is nothing like what I "made up". He has been the same person all of this time and I to a certain extent ignored it. I married him and then brought a child into this world with him. I feel so horrible about this. We are going to marriage counseling to see if there is anything to work on, but IDK. It is so bad and I am so shocked at the man I see him as now.

I am obviously a basket case with major codie issues and need just as much work as him. This all seems so out of control.

I feel so bad and guilty for all of my mistakes and for being so blind. How did this happen? How did I get so out of control? I thought I had it all together! I thought I was the one with all the answers and all of the RIGHT answers! I was always wondering what is wrong with everyone else lol

I feel so stupid and that now I have this huge mess to try and clean up. I mean how do you tell your husband that you think you married him because you were high on codependency LOL! He would think I was taking drugs!

Oh my! I'm not sure how to handle all of this. I guess now that I have this info and I can see a little more clearly I will go back to the stickies and now read them with a little more understanding!

I would love some feedback on this . . . . I'm feeling pretty stupid about now!