BigJim

Good afternoon, everyone

I started drinking at 21 (36 now). I had a few experiences before that, but nothing significant. My progression was pretty typical, starting off on weekends and eventually moving to several nights a week and on to an every night thing. Typically, we would have some wine with dinner and maybe a bit more afterwards. Weekends started to become a bit more on the binge side with us finding just about any excuse to party.

Last year I was laid off from work and have had quite a difficult time finding another job as most of the work I do has been outsourced to other countries. This led to many other stresses and alcohol seemed to do the best job of letting me escape. I have a very high metabolism, so it doesn't take much to get me drunk and as I drink very quickly, it began to become a habit for me to pass out every night with frequent black outs as to what happened. It wasn't long before I began making a drink as soon as I woke up and several more throughout the day before I started my "real drinking" in the evening. It seemed like drinks even began to replace my daytime meals!

I felt pretty functional and confident while I was drinking during the day, so it felt more like a solution than a problem to me. The only time it felt like an issue to me was when I wasn't drinking. I would be very sensitive and snappy. Noises were extra loud and my already short temper was even shorter. No problem, just make a drink and all is well! Of course this started getting pretty expensive and without a job, I couldn't maintain for long. My solution was to buy bigger bottles of cheaper booze.

My wife began to notice how much I was drinking and I made a deal to only have two drinks a day. The problem was that I made those two drinks in the biggest glasses we had and they were about 90% booze. My blackouts were getting worse, but I wasn't thinking about my daily problems so I continued on with my habit.

I knew this couldn't go on forever, but I needed a way to take the edge off. I thought about seeing my doctor, but I didn't want to get put on an anti-anxiety medication that would be even more addictive, more expensive and with far worse side effects.

I finally decided to take a break from drinking this past Saturday. My family and I went to a funeral for an old friend. The reception was nice, but typical with plenty of food and drinks. My wife was driving so I had a few beers and then shared some scotch with some of the family members of the deceased. We then headed over to a mutual friends house and drank quite a bit of wine as well as more beers. I ended up passed out on his lawn and didn't remember how I got there. I've had far worse experiences, but something about the funeral made me decide that this wasn't how I wanted to live my life.

I stopped cold turkey. So far things haven't been so bad. I'm actually sleeping better, and while my dreams have been very vivid, they don't seem bad. Of course I hadn't really had many dreams in a long time, so anything was good. I still feel the urge to make a drink when I wake up. I feel so tired and I know it'd wake me right up and get me going. I've been drinking a lot of coffee and still skip breakfast. I can usually eat lunch if it's light but it has been difficult eating dinner without wine. I've been taking a little hit of pot a friend gave me just before dinner and that seems to help with my appetite, but I still feel like I need that glass in front of me.

I can't tell if things will get better or worse from here. I know I can't stop drinking all together. Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner and those have always been big drinking times for me. It's football season as well, a "guys drinking beers" time. Not sure how I will handle being around a large group and not drinking with them. I'll just have to take it as it comes.

I'm feeling ok for now. Drinking lots of water and going to bed really early. The later I stay up, the more I want to drink myself into the normal blackout. Fortunately, the effort I'm putting into not drinking is taking my mind off of the other stresses that escalated my drinking in the first place! I've read some of the posts here and I know it could be much worse, and it still may get that way. I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it.

Thanks for reading, I don't really want to talk with my family about this, but need to feel like there is someone else in my boat. I hope we all make it through this and come out on the other side as better people.

Good luck, stay strong.