wanttobehealthy

So, the winter storm on the east coast last weekend has resulted in my having the past 3 days off of work (and tomorrow too). Schools are cancelled all over bc of downed power lines etc... Smart superintendents don't want kids getting electrocuted walking to school (though what do they think the kids are doing on these days off? staying in?) But I digress...

So, I spent one day being lazy, napping, catching up on sleep. The past 2 I have done house projects. Packing up some of AH's things (half his clothing is still here despite my requests that he come get it) but most of the time has been spent putting up decorations for Thanksgiving, organizing clothing, putting away the last remnants of summer stuff etc...

Today I got ambitious and tackled my bedroom... It had become a disaster area and I suppose I just didn't want to deal with it bc it meant moving some of AH's things around and I didn't want to deal with it...

So, I decided to rearrange the whole room, clean out his closet (organize I mean- not empty it) and make space for a desk where his dresser had been so that D6 can have a space of her own to do homework... We have an old desktop computer I am going to set up on the desk for her and she can do educational games on it etc... I was feeling pumped about all of this and feeling like I was reclaiming the space and feeling empowered and all.

I moved some of AH's clothing into his closet and was organizing the heap of blankets and sheets and just the mess that the storage in his closet had become when I started stumbling upon bug infested bottles and empty beer cans. I wasn't surprised exactly, but I was upset. I just didn't want that in my face reminder of the lies, the hiding etc... and I sat down and bawled. I haven't cried in a while and I guess finding one of what I am sure are many hiding spots yet to be uncovered just opened the flood gates for a lot of emotions I'm feeling.

I am still happy about the rearranging and D6 is ecstatic about her homework /computer spot... I just feel surprised by how emotional finding empty bottles made me. I used to be angry and feel like a victim of AH's lies when I'd find empty bottles... and today I just felt sad and the sadness is I guess connected to the relief I feel to be apart from AH but with that relief is still sadness at all that I'd hoped we'd be and all we weren't....

But, all in all, it was a good day... I am still kind of weepy though and I'm not sure if it's just hormones or if this is just part of the process of coming to terms with everything...