6 years ago today,
I was released from the diversion center after having been locked up for almost 6 months. I'm posting this HERE as I recently realized that my addiction issues didn't end when I walked out those doors.
I thought I was done with the dope, and very well MAY have been done, but I didn't realize that I was just as addicted to people, fixing (or trying to) their problems, and drama every bit as much as I was addicted to crack.
Not every codie turns to drugs to deal with the feelings, I did. Long story short, my relapse started with my then best friend's husband dumping some crack on the table (she was at work). I didn't want to cause problems in THEIR relationship by telling her, was out of town, so I did what addicts do..smoked it with him. Didn't tell her about it for about a year.
I made some really bad decisions while on dope, but I made just as many as a codie. I lost myself, I actually hurt the people I was trying to help by enabling.
I initially came to this forum because I wanted to be reminded of how my actions had hurt my family, to never forget. I soon learned I had some serious codie issues and if I didn't work on those? I never WAS going to find me again.
Fast forward to today...my now ex-best friend? In jail again. Her husband? In prison. My XABF#3? Dead. My codie family? Still codie, but are much better at respecting my boundaries and very supportive. My friends today? The majority are in recovery and love me enough to give me a swift kick in the a$$ when I start sliding.
I am grateful to all of you who have taught me so much, been there for me through some pretty tough stuff, and show me there is life after addiction and codependency. I know I will still slip and slide into "codie land", I just have the tools to get back on track a lot faster.
I often read "work the recovery you wish they would". I can only add that we codies have to want recovery just as much as the A's do. Giving our loved ones the dignity to live their life as they choose? Really, really hard. However, if my family hadn't done that for me? I'd probably be in jail or dead, just like the people who I tried to shelter from their consequences.
Love to you all!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy