Old 10-25-2011, 05:09 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
LifeRecovery
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
RECF-

I am also 34 (soon to be 35) and made the decision in the first six months of my marriage (when I realized there was a problem with alcohol in my relationship) to not have children with my ex-husband if he did not find sobriety. I was okay with that decision given the nature of my relationship, and no attempts at sobriety. Being a "good girl" leaving the marriage did not occur to me.

Fast forward almost seven years. We are divorced and I am grieving my decision. Don't get me wrong I know not having kids was the right decision in that relationship, but it did not occur to me that the relationship would turn out this way.

I am grieving that it was a boundary I was able to put in place to have it thrown back at me when the drinking escalating and other behaviors entered into our relationship. I am grieving that it might not be something that I get to have in my life. He recently got remarried, and I second guess if he has a "problem" or not. Forgetting that his problem is not to define it is enought that it was a problem for me.

I have gotten a lot of relief in the last 18 mths with turning things over to my HP, but this one is REALLY hard for me to turn over. Most of my friends just this year are having their second children. Most of them turned 35 during the end of their pregnancy so were considered high risk. Their pregnancies and families have stirred up a lot of emotion for me in the last year.

I did make the decision that as long as I was dealing with the emotions and not stuffing them that was all I could ask of myself. There are a lot of emotions to wade through though.

I am 10mths from the divorce, over a year out from seperation. I am no where near ready for another relationship of any kind (and suspect it will take another few years for that to be in place). I am okay with that. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends, am slowly putting new friendships in place too.

I do best when I realize that I might have to think outside the box, and that I have a say and the ability to make decisions for myself. I did not realize that about myself before. In this example that we are both struggling with I might not have "biological" children, but that does not mean that I won't be part of a family. That family might include step-children, adoption, fostering etc. There are probably a lot more situations that I cannot even imagine.

Wow this is long note. I am so glad you posted this as it has been up for me a lot recently.
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