Like I said this all just sort of hit me out of the blue and I was kind of flooded with a bunch of feelings and the more I'm thinking about it all the more I'm sorting out what I'm feeling...
I know how something can pull you right out of "now" and throw you back emotionally to where you were, even if just for a few minutes (well, hours really). I had a conversation with AH that reminded me just how much he still doesn't get it. By "it", I mean that he is an alcoholic and needs recovery and things are not o.k. It wasn't a big scene, just a small calm, devastating conversation.
I was incredulous at him. I guess I was figuring because I was experiencing recovery maybe some of it was rubbing off on him or whatever?? But then I realized I had an expectation of improvement on his part, which is unrealistic as he has no program. Even while I was realizing this slogans were running through my head and right out again and I was still reeling. Where the he!! was this program I've been working on so hard and long??
The strength of emotions was so unexpected. I had last felt this before seeking Alanon. After reading here, going to a meeting, talking with friends, etc. the emotions have subsided, but it really did catch me off guard. I think part of it had to do with the conversation happening just before he left on a business trip, which used to be a trigger for worry that he would drink himself out of a job. It sure does point out that this stinkin' thinkin' and crazy emotions might bubble up at any time. Now I am glad I have the tools to deal with them!