The self blame is a hard one. Because I know as much as I blamed myself silently or thought like you that if I were just x, y, z then he'd stop drinking or treat me better... AH helped with that thinking by telling me, quite forcefully and believably that all that blame was well deserved.
Like GettingBy said, once I started to educate myself about the disease and what it did to the whole family-- no just AH, I was able to start lessening the blame I heaped on myself.
I'll forwarn you though. The more I detached and didn't accept/believe/take on the blame that AH tried to heap on me, the harder he tried and the nastier he got. So, beware.
You are not to blame. Not at all. But I know what it's like to be where you are and believe that you might hold the key somehow to be able to make things better. The only key you hold is the one to unchain yourself from his disease and focus on you. It took me far too long to get to the point of "getting" that...