To answer your question... "How do you not blame yourself?"
Well for me, the self-blame stopped when I educated myself on the disease and began working an Al-anon recovery program to help me manage my codependent thinking. Before all that, yes, I took it personally. I thought that I had some ability to help my AH "straighten up and fly right!" I thought that if I was pretty enough, smart enough, stopped working (I used to make more money than him), kept a clean house, was accomodating... if I was perfect, then we wouldn't have all those "problems."
As other have pointed out, and as I've learned in my recovery... I have no control over my AH, or his drinking. It's not my fault. Wow. I'm a GOOD person. I'm worthy of love and respect. My AH is a person with a disease - and is uncapable of giving me those things that I need/deserve.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon