I get it WTBH, I do. I understand completely that feeling of "reliving" a moment. Every year my parents have a Pumpkin Weekend - where we all get together (all 20+ of us!), pick pumpkins, hang out the kids, etc. Last year, my AH and RABIL both spent the entire day on a bender. It sucked. As this years Pumpkin Weekend approached, I was overrun with anxiety. What to do??!!? How to handle it?!? I was stuck spinning.
What helped me was to let go of what happened last year and make choices to make Pumpkin Weekend something positive for me and the kids!! For me, that meant not including AH... we spent the entire weekend at my parents away from the drama of AH. WOw... pumpkin weekend took on a whole new meaning to me!!
This weekend (Sunday) is our wedding anniversary. Ugh. Last year, AH spent it doing shots with the neighbor and then at a bar alone! Awful. So, instead of dwelling on how crappy last year was... I'm making special plans for me! I'm chosing to make the day mean something better and happier FOR ME!
I am learning to reprogram my mind. My tendency is to focus/dwell on the negative. Examine (and REEXAMINE!!!) all the past wrongs, hurts, etc. Reliving them is like picking a scab - it prolongs the healing, and just stirs up pain. So, when I find myself focusing on something negative, I have to instead turn to something positive. Sometimes it's easy... sometimes not so much. When it's really hard, sometimes the only thing that works is the Serenity Prayer... over and over and over again until the ugly thoughts stop.
You are not alone. What you are thinking/feeling is codependent thinking. Work your recovery program and things WILL get better
