seekinganswrs

I had my mind made up that my AH had to leave the home after all I have discovered in the past month in a half and using this site for education, etc.... But Friday when he came back in town I called him to see what time I needed to pick him up and he started off with a lie that he wouldn't be in town for another hour or so, and then as we talked he all of a sudden broke down over the phone and said he was really already at his office and to please come get him because he was about to do something stupid.

I stayed on the phone with him until I got to his office to get him. He told me he had borrowed $30 from a co worker, and was trying to find pills, but as he was lieing to me over the phone he just felt like it was killing him inside and that is why he broke down. So I got to him and he gave me the money. No pills bought.

On the way home I informed him I had packed his stuff up because I didn't want him to walk into our bedroom and see his stuff in boxes and be shocked like that here at home in front of our boys. He had a complete melt down in our truck when I told him this. Cried like a baby, begged me to give him time. He said it felt his heart was being ripped apart. He said he felt like he had just been told that I had died in a car wreck or something. He said he has never felt so much pain.

We had a long talk this morning and I showed him my book, "Co Dependent No More" (which I am half way through) and showed him how I am really in the "progressive" stage of co-dependency, and how all the characteristics matched me virtually dead on. Until today I hadn't really shared with him how much and how deeply his addiction has affected me. I normally just stuff and keep on moving because I have to be responsible our boys. I told him how I just can't do this and he has to get better, but I have to get better, too because I don't even know myself anymore.

He said to ask him anything and he would be completely honest and that he doesn't want to be this way, he doesn't know how it has gotten so bad. He had 56 days clean, but when he works out of town he goes with people who use just about anything, so it's very hard environment, and he said to please wait til next weekend and he will look into a program, meetings and that he doesn't want to live this way. He said physically, emotionally and spiritually he can't do it anymore. He said even the few pills he has been getting don't give him a "buzz." I asked him a few things and I believe he was completely honest. He even told me he talked to an ex girlfriend who he had unresolved feelings with 2 years ago for about 2 hours over the phone. They dated before us when he was 19-20 and had an abortion together, which has been a source of pain for him, too. We have been together 15 years now and married 14.

He asked me to wait til Sunday to talk to the boys if that is what I still wanted, but that he needs our support to do this. He said he knows that I don't owe him anything and he didn't see or understand how badly it was affecting me and he wants me and our family more than anything.

I just feel so lost now. Part of me knows that all he is saying is true, I know he doesn't want to be this way. It breaks my heart. I know it's the addiction and not him that is making him act this way, but part of me feels like if I don't stick to my consequence then he may do good for a few months and then we will be back here again. I am so scared, sad, defeated and brokenhearted. He hasn't had any pills since Thursday and he did make a good decision to be honest with me on Friday and not do what he has always done. He didn't get the pills and he was honest.

He even had one of his friends come over tonight to talk to him. This friend said he will help him pay for a program if he needs to go to a rehab because he knows he is "savable" and is a great person. He normally would've lied and hidden the truth from his friend.

So, now I just don't know if we should still go through with the separation, and sit the kids down and talk to them tomorrow, or give him the week to show me something. He has to go back out of town to work M-F again next week, so...I just don't know what on earth to do....