WTBH,
My children (5 an 3) tend to be a mirror for me. When I am doing a good job of working my recovery, I handle my emotions better, and am better able to parent them and they tend to be happier/calmer. When my recovery slips, or I'm under pressure, I weeble-wobble with my emotions... and they pick up on that and can be quite emotionally volatile.
Since we talked to the kids last week - the kids have been "acting out". Not really misbehaving - but expressing their emotions the best way they know how. Which at their ages means temper tantrums (lots of anger due to fear!), saying things like "I hate you." "I don't want to live with you!" "I want a different mommy." etc. It hurts - if I take it personally. If I put their words into perspective, I can detach and help them deal with the pain they are feeling.
So, what is working for me is remembering that this too shall pass and then focusing back on my recovery (put my oxygen mask on first, right?!?!). My recovery has really made a huge difference on my attitude, how I interact with them, and my STBXAH.
I know it's hard - I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there!
Shannon