I come on SR because of the empathy. I really feel like the people on SR 'get it' they understand what I go through because most of us on SR have lived with an alcoholic.
When I talk to anyone with no personal experience of living with an alcoholic about my life and they respond, I am often left feeling 'puzzled' by their response. It quite often feels alien to me which is why I tend not to bother and leave that talk for Al-anon or SR.
Of course, I can see that your XAH had an 'incentive' which was to not loose you, his kids the marriage etc in the first place and if he wanted that more than his alcohol then he would have fought for it. It is very sad that your XAH is obviously so gripped by his disease that he cant see, with any clarity, what his disease has cost him and maybe he never will.
Please dont over-think your friends comment. Its not even worth going there. Its his opinion and you know how much 'incentive' your XAH has had but not stepped up to keep. I think its a bit like politics, there are always ways to 'twist' or explain a difference in opinion.
My favourite saying: 'that's your opinion, but lets agree to disagree'