Hi - I am starting again
Hello.. I need help. Drinking has me firmly by the tail. I'm 42 and have been an alcoholic for about 15 years. I still have my husband and a good job, home. I've functioned for that long, and yet know that I have not achieved anywhere near my potential with respect to happiness, self-esteem, life experiences.
The last few months I have gone downhill very quickly. Physically I feel very ill although my liver and kidney tests don't indicate any damage - I know that doesn't always mean anything. But one thing has changed - I have a plan to end my life, I know how and where I would do it, and it consumes me. I can't stand living like this, pretending to be content with life while there is a dreadful aching hole in me that I try to fill with alcohol and food, only to abuse myself and say horrible things to people.
I always thought, oh, I will quit when I am ready and then I can get my life back on track, find out what I enjoy doing, etc. I started planning my death because I now seriously doubt that I will ever be able to do that, and this way of life is very painful. I dread nights filled with nameless terrors, days counting the minutes, all the time the awful knowledge of what I am and what I hide from everyone, and the knowledge that I cannot change... and that the only thing I want/love is going to kill me.
I have joined SR to try again.
Jeannie