I'm glad you found us, scottow, although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
And yes, things do get better.
Around this time last year I was a nervous wreck and a complete mess, in trouble at work for my lack of productivity and I even swallowed an entire container of Tylenol trying to end it all. (Fortunately there wasn't enough pills left in the bottle, as someone else had used most of them to cure his daily hangovers.)
When I finally came out of denial of how bad things were, and allowed myself to feel my emotions and admit how I was feeling, I was all over the place! It was like I hadn't felt
anything over the past several years, and now
everything was coming out at once. I would laugh and cry at the same time, be angry and sad and happy and hurt and hateful and grateful all at once, and it took awhile for things to settle down.
I had to allow myself to experience all these crazy and conflicting emotions, but now that I've worked through them and allowed myself to
feel, I feel calm more than anything. It takes time, but it's worth it.
In my case, XABF (my alcoholic ex-boyfriend) was also abusive, so there really wasn't any choice but leave, or stay and allow him to tear me apart even worse than he had already.
Now I'm rebuilding a life of my own. I have two cats, a library of books I like to read, a small collection of climbing roses growing on the balcony, and most importantly, my serenity. My life is mine, now.
It does get better, just keep moving forward!