This "A" stuff has me face down today!!
Came across this in a reading today. It totally struck me, it struck me like a bolt of lightning...
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
The more I thought about this. I felt more anger inside of me than I have in long time.
Hoped for?? Yeah...I really hoped for this! I hope, prayed,cried and begged he would quit drinking....
The past few months has been a trial for me with addiction. I've got clients, friends, strangers, that pour out there problems to me, asking questions, seeking help or just wanting to share their story of addiction.
I just want to scream...Do I look like I have a Alanon label on the front of my forehead or what??? I've had many face to face conversations with God, asking him, Why me?? I dont want to deal with this crap anymore...Then the next day, someone else walks thru the front door and ask me for help or advice....Wondering if this is my sign or my trial? I dont know today, I just want to run away...
I wont lie, today Im angry. I just want the person I married back in my life.
I know he is gone and is never coming back. Guess, it's one of those grieving days.....
I never had to do the months of facing him thru a divorce or really saying good-bye. He packed up his things and walked out the door and havent seen him since. It's a blessing on one hand, and a real grieving stage on the other.
It's like a death...Of never getting to say Good-Bye...Im pissed!!!
I dont want to deal with no more addiction and I dont want to hear it from anyone else today. ...A year ago, I never had to deal with any of this ....
Addiction, it's everywhere I go, it's everywhere I look
Im pissed, and sick of hearing it, sick of seeing it, and sick of dealing with it.
His brother in law called me last night and said they were talking about us in a family conversation. He tried to explain to them, that I didnt hate him.
I interupted him and said "No, I will always love him, I just hate what he has become" - I thought about that all night long, deep down it pisses me off
and breaks my heart.....
OMG...I am rambling on today. Time to close up shop, go for a walk and go buy myself some chocolate!!! - Thanks for letting me vent my PISSEDOFF
mood swings today....Wow! Havent had one of these in months...