Tuffgirl

I've been slowly coming to this realization lately.

I love to fix run-down and broken things. This house is my 4th fixer-upper. I have spent the last three weekends lovingly restoring fire-burned antiques. My favorite places to look for furniture are garage sales and estate sales. I have successfully turned a pig's ear into a silk purse. Ok, well, I lined it with silk, at least!

All of my life I have been drawn to the "throw-aways", and it is dawning on me I do it with animals too. I had a horse in middle/high school. My parents offered me whatever I wanted (within their budget) and I chose a broken down, beat up and tremendously freaked out bronc from the rodeo. I think the owner gave him to us for free if we would take him on the spot. After a summer of training, walking the horse like one walks a dog, and lots of nutritious food, he let me ride him. From them on he was an amazing horse and we were the best of friends.

My dogs have all been rescues or dogs that wandered up to the porch and got fed and stayed. My newest little puppy I got handed in the parking lot of the pound. I have never paid money for a dog...well...to own the dog. I've paid LOTS to the vet to care for the dog!

I am essentially a "connector" and a "strategist" at my workplace. I see the needs and find the methods in which to meet those needs.

I realize now that this propensity has carried through to the people in my life, specifically intimate relationships. I have chosen men with issues, and spent a lot of time trying to "fix them with the love of a good woman". Friends that have come and gone over the years have also been pretty needy and codependent. This need to be needed (?) revered (?) depended upon (?) whatever the actual need is has got to stop.

I've had great luck with my fixer-upper projects. Made profits on the homes, sold a few pieces of restored furniture on craigslist, had some great pets over the years, am successful in the workplace, but now I realize my fixin up time has come to an end. Well, at least when it comes to people. ; )

And you know what is strangest of all? I am not this way AT ALL with my teenagers. As a matter of fact, I expect them to be independent at this point. I was raised to be independent. But here I am, fixing broken things.

The thing I am worried about the most is losing that part of me that makes me who I am, while making sure to choose wisely next time...someone who is far more healthy and relationship-worthy than the RAH stb ex. Finding that balance is challenging. Going against the grain of instant attraction to the broken and beat down to find the ones who don't need anything from me but companionship and respect. Yeesh - seems I need to tattoo something on my arm to remember these painful lessons learned. Will I recognize a healthy person next time? Or will I always be drawn to the broken?

Thanks for letting me share!
~T