wow..im having similar feelings with my ah. after all of the hurtful things he has done and said to me over the years..which have only gotten to be more spiteful, more hurtful, and more..um..downright evil and hateful...i am not so sure anymore. i just wrote a post because hes treating our daughter terribly. and someone asked why i was with him, what he was doing for me..and i thought about it because he hasn't done sh*t for me. for years. so many have said- when i first met him i was lured in, he had it all figured out. this wonderful plan of a life he wanted to live..it was facinating. i was awed. i was impressed. thats who i fell in love with. this person who had such aspirations..now spends each day in a disgusting, smelly, old person (no offense anyone!) bar until he can barely stand. thats not what i signed up for. so...maybe im in love with a fantasy? of what i wish he was. what i secretly want him to magically transform into. its not going to happen. i know this because according to him he doesnt have a problem, and he will not change his lifestyle for anyone. he is hapy to sit at pulaski hall and smell urine. maybe if i can concentrate on loving myself as much as i concentrate on the fantasy of him changing..i have a chance...no?