AH testing every last bit of willpower
Long story short, AH asked for a few minutes of my time yesterday. I sat and listened to him profess how he is going to AA, learning so much about himself, values honesty, knows that his lying has done irreperable damage to our marriage (duh!) etc... All lead up to him asking if there was a chance of reconciling.
Instead of saying 'hell no', I simply said that what I want and expect are X and that based on what he's shared his comfort level is for 8yrs it seems highly unlikely that either of us could be truly happy bc someone would always be having to give up something they want (he'd have to give up lying for ex).
This lead to more pleading, him swearing on OUR DAUGHTERS LIVES that he hadn't lied about a thing in weeks to me and he was going to prove to me that he wants to be a better man.
I said okay and went to see the girls (watching a movie). I was done with listening and my answer had already been given. I went back into the kitchen sooner than AH thought I would I guess and I caught him up on a chair getting something he'd hidden on top of the cabinets and shoving it in his pocket. I just looked at him. He stammered and told a story about how he was getting up on the chair to get crackers (that are on top of a different cabinet across the kitchen).
I looked at him again with a "you're full of it" face and he told me (I haven't said a word at this point) that I am hyper vigilant looking for him to be lying and I need to relax. I just stood there. He said, "see it's just my keys" and took them out and kept his body turned away from me. At that point I had had it and said, "stop embarassing yourself by lying" and walked past him and could see the outline of a tobacco tin in his pocket which I nonchalantly mentioned.
I could care less about his smoking/tobacco use at this point. But for him to have the nerve to yap at me about how much he values honesty and then try to make me think I was crazy for catching him red handed LYING to me?!
He left and spent the night texting me about how he feels like scum, how he's awful for lying, how he knows he really screwed up this time etc.... Then when that got no reaction, the "I shouldn't even be a father", "goodbye forever" b.s. started.
UGH.
This morning, emails abound and I am ignoring them all.
If I wasn't already convinced that he's a lying piece of __________, yesterday was a thunderbolt of clarity....
More than anything I'm just irritated today with him.