On the plus side, I went to Alanon tonight, asked for a sponsor and will be calling her next week to set up a time to meet and discuss. Which I think is right where I need to be b/c I have lost any semblance of serenity I started to develop in these past 2 weeks.
My life has gone off the rails and I'm angry and fly off the handle very easily. Tonight I blew up at my mom b/c she did one of her alcoholic back pedals after agreeing to help me out. She had strangely been agreeable to go pick up the veggie box at the food coop when I double booked myself for tomorrow morning- tonight I drew out a little map for her... she yelled at me and said she can't read maps. OK, I'll write out the directions... nope... she wanted me to drive her on a "dry run". I worked 12 hours yesterday and (shame on me) went to my meeting tonight. I've been dealing with my son's school issues and haven't had time to do this. She didn't mention the dry run until 9pm tonight. I'm apparently supposed to know what she wants and manage her life as well as mine and my son's.
Tonight's topic was traditions.. specifically tradition 7 (self sufficiency). It occurred to me that I'm mad at myself for having to rely on someone so unreliable. I simply can't be in 2 places at once. I suppose I could be 2 hours late to the cub scout event in order to pick up the stuff, but that's not really fair to my son. If I had not relied on her in the first place I would've figured this out.. but b/c she pulled out at the last moment, I'm in a stressful situation with fewer options. there is no one i can call at this hour to let know we'll be late.
What doesn't help is that lately I've had a lot of offers of support that are rescinded, don't turn out like promised or have become unavailable. I'd rather have no offers of help; this feels like a person offering a chair, then pulling it away as I go to sit in it.
The fact is I fell for this hook line and sinker and I really can't be angry at anyone but me for having an expectation that an alcoholic is going to act in anyone's best interest but her own.
I am just so tired of being MAD all the time. Old symptoms that had gone away are back and I don't feel good. I would like to get back to feeling some sort of peace but I don't know how
