View Single Post
Old 09-30-2011, 07:42 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
wellnowwhat
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Hi! I struggle with this too. Background: married 30 years to closet drinker AH (he was not always this way). He tried to detox, got hospitalized and immediately relapsed on release and continues being a closet drinker, but on a much lower level than pre-detox.

Occasionally, not often and not in a "please quit" kind of way, we discuss his drinking and I am amazed at what is his "reality" as opposed to mine. He even at one point said he wasn't hospitalized because of trying cold turkey detox, but because of a concussion he suffered when he had fallen the night before and that he is not an alcoholic. He also, at times, thinks because he works etc. and only drinks after he gets home, gets quiet and goes to bed that he is less of an alcoholic than some of the people he sees at his weekly group who lose jobs, fight and suffer great consequences. He also thinks no one knows he drinks. Most of us who know he is an alcoholic know when he is drinking (some are still fooled).

He also believes he's doing it only to himself, no one else knows, and no one else suffers any consequences. In some respects I am grateful that there is so little drama and wild scenes, but his drinking is upsetting, and expensive.

Every now and then (months apart) I do make a comment to let him know that he is not fooling us. Something like "you have time for your drink, supper is in 10 minutes". He acts surprised and offended and I'll respond "well, you drink each night when you get home." Not a question. Just a statement of the facts. Not accusing or judgmental. Not baiting.

I don't know why I do it. I guess I just want him to know it does affect us. While I think I've gotten pretty successful in detaching and I've lost the rage and bitterness I had pre-Alanon, I guess I start to feel I am condoning it if I NEVER mention it.

Progress, not perfection, I guess?
wellnowwhat is offline