garfiild

Yes, I second that. What works for me is to sort my own needs out first - in this case, balancing my need for (truth, honesty, intimacy, respect) against my need to be compassionate, fair, tolerant of others and my need to "do the right thing" so I feel good about myself. Once I decide within myself what my needs are, identify conflicting needs, prioritize and sometimes compromise within myself, then i can take a firm position with ASO. What I will no longer do is to try to untangle ASO's underlying needs and compromise my own needs to meet their needs (as I imagine or guess them to be).

To me, sounds like it is not your RASO's needs that are truly confusing you, it is your own - your need for his approval, validation, acceptance, needing him to "prove himself to you" by compromising for you, "needing" him to give you what you want, etc., etc. - and you're trying to figure out whether and how to get these things from him. I'm not saying this is wrong to want these things, but you cannot "make" him give you what you want (intimacy, for example), nor can you talk him into it. And if your internal needs are conflicted, that's for you to work through.

All you can really do is find a balance within yourself that you are comfortable with, decide what to ask of him, then ask it calmly and clearly without rationalizing or explaining, and let him work through it. Anything else seems like head games to me.

That's all I got.