Again, thanks everyone. It helps to get perspective. And I'm struggling, though I know you're right Suki, to believe that he is doing this all intentionally. I want to be able to believe he's an A who is just hurting himself and who doesn't intentionally seek out to hurt me-- bc if that's the case, then clearly there's a lot more than alcoholism at play (I'm beginning to think he's a sociopath based on his evil smirks when he knows he's hurting me, his ability to act like a saint when he has to and his obsessive lying...). Just as when I was a kid and kept believing that I could become better to stop my mother's abuse, I seem to still have this idiotic instinct to believe that AH isn't intentionally cruel and if I just "explain" that he's being hurtful it'll stop. Insane.
In the future I will just not pick up the phone. Good idea. I thought about it but I felt that that was dishonest and I didn't think that was right. But clearly I'm not dealing with someone who I can be polite with bc he'll walk all over me. So, should I just lie? I guess so huh?
Shannon- I totally agree that all the stuff you or I or probably any of us did for our A's for years was complete enabling. I've been striving to make him be responsible for himself (simply by not taking over and "saving" him as I've done from day 1 in any situation) and have been somewhat surprised with the level of anger from him toward me bc of this. In his mind, my non-enabling behavior is "game playing, manipulation and passive aggressive". I've explained to him that I have read Codependent no more to death and perhaps he should take a look and see that in fact I'm just behaving more healthily. But nope- he's convinced that I'm screwing with him. Theme of our marriage... AH is convinced of something LONG before he asks me, or gives me the benefit of the doubt (which if he KNEW me he'd do) and he spins a paranoid (although believable) story about how I am screwing with him. And ironically, he usually describes behaviors that are identical to HIS. I wonder, is it common for abusers or alcoholics or just plain mean people to truly see THEIR behavior in others and not realize they're projecting?
I forget who wrote that their ex A just took off (sorry!) but I agree with you that it would be soooooo much easier if he just disappeared. So much easier.
Oh I forgot to add that he did show up to see the girls and had snarky stuff to say and the girls were angry toward him. I of course was blamed for this. D6 threw a plastic strawberry at him (pretty good aim actually) and he spent a good 5 min lecturing me that I should be reprimanding "your daughter" (his child too!) bc if I say nothing then apparently I'm sending the message her behavior is ok. I told him he was a parent too and could deal with her himself. It's just insane how unwilling to be a PARENT he is and how anything that is "adult" parts of parenting he wants no part of.
What a day...