I have bent over backwards at times to keep my AH involved in the kids activities/lives. I would adjust my schedule, offer up ways to fit us into his hectic schedule. The nicer I tried to be... the more it came back to bite me square on my ass.
Why? Because I was enabling him, which put right smack dab in his business. Now, I stick to the facts when discussing the kids... and leave the emotions out entirely. It has saved me tons of grief. If he misses an appointment, event, meal, etc... its his own damn fault and I haven't given him ammo to use against me. He will still try and pin something on me... but that's his addiction.
When i communicate, keep it simple works wonders for me. Also, WAIT.... why am I talking? I find myself practicing what I'm going to communicate... and then check it for my motives. I need to make sire that I haven't consciously or subconsciously inserted an attempt to control the situation/outcome.
It's hard stuff.... my thinking is so distorted at times... slowly down and taking my time has helped a ton.
Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers!
Shannon