checking reality
I'm striving very hard to break codependent habits, of which I have many. You know that list in Codependent No More that's like 4 pages long? Most of the things listed I can say yes to.
Anyway, I'm not looking to have smoke blown up my you know what or be agreed with just bc.... I am looking for a reality check bc I honest to god am not sure I'm doing the right thing.
Here's the synopsis. D3 is very sick. I let AH know that I'd be taking her to the doctor today and that it might cut into the time he had planned to spend with the girls (left on a voicemail). I also said that if he wanted to come earlier than planned and stay with D6 while I took D3, he was welcome to. I found it odd that he didn't answer his phone given how ill D3 has been and I texted him the same message that I left on the voicemail. Shortly before I needed to leave to go to the doctor's with D3 (and I'd told D6 she was coming too at this point) AH texted me saying "what time is the appt?". I ignored it bc I'd clearly asked him if he wanted to come early to a) see D6 and b) help out and it seemed he was intentionally not answering that. And besides he lives 30 min away and wouldn't have been here in time to stay with D6 anyway. He called as I was driving to the doctors and I told him that I was dealing with it and would be back when we were done and he could see the girls then.
At this point he got irate and I promptly hung up with out listening and turned my phone off.
I got home to him steaming mad. Accusing me of alienating him from the girls, playing games to keep him from being able to stay with D6 while I took D3 to the doctor etc...
I told him that I made it clear in my voicemail and text what was happening and told him he was responsible for the choice he made to not answer my question or say what he wanted. I told him I wasn't going to play the 20 questions game where he asks things to figure out what he wants to do and doesn't communicate in response to the actual question asked.
He told me that I should have asked him when we did speak on the phone about whether he wanted to stay with D6 and he shared with me that he'd been in our town the whole time (something he hadn't felt the need to share previously). I told him my 2 prior messages were sufficient and he was responsible for checking messages and expressing his wants. I wasn't going to pull info out of him or bug him to give him a chance to do something with the girls.
Because of this last part he told me that I am using the girls like pawns and that if I really cared about them I'd do whatever it took to ensure he had time with them.
I'm torn. Is he right? I didn't want to hound him about whether he wanted to come early bc I sent the message very clearly and he chose to ignore it. (whether he admits it or not) to ignore it even though he was at work 1 mile away the whole time and could have come over easily if he'd wanted to). But I also don't want to be accused (and this is going to get nasty in court I can just see it) of finding ways to keep the girls from him. The way he spun this (his argument) even had me confused this afternoon and I honestly don't know if what I did was healthy or not?
In the past I'd have called him incessantly and not made plans to just take both girls with me to the doctors until I heard from him. I made my plans contingent upon him and I don't do that now. I reached out, expressed that there was an option and he took his sweet time to sort of get tback to me without actually answering the question. I decided that it was not my place to remind him of what I'd already asked and I let it be. But now he's saying that I was being manipulative by doing that.
Am I?
I truly have no idea what normal is right now. If I did I wouldn't be asking this.
I am striving hard to break the codie patterns I've been in and I suspected that he'd react with anger when I did, but I didn't expect that I'd wind up this confused, wondering if I was doing the wrong thing?