WAIST?!?! Why Am I Still Talking!!! I love it!! Good one Tuff Girl!
I had a huge AhA moment yesterday. I learned so much about myself. I saw "me". I saw my hurt/pain - and began to finally see how deep my pain ran. And that it started from childhood!! Long before AH. Huh, surprise, surprise.
And then it all started to make sense. All this time - I've been searching for someone/something to heal me, make me feel better, make me feel loved and worthy. I've been looking for external validation - but it's nobody else's job to heal me. It's got to come from within me.
And it hit me... I've been looking for AH to make me feel better... which he is not capable of doing. He's hurt/broken/scared/sick lost himself. In fact, his brokeness and the way he has treated me has done more harm than good for me (well, except for the fact that his behavior/treatment got me into AL-anon - THANK GOD!).
So, when I "right fight"... I'm looking for validation of my opinions. That I'm smart. I'm capable. I'm right. Now, that's not to say that you should never have a discussion about right/wrong/etc - you just shouldn't have it with someone who is not capable of listening/reasoning. An active alcoholic, as I have come to understand, is in a perpetual state of feeling "under attack." The default reaction is to be defensive, deflect, and attack back. And there isn't a g-d thing I am going to do to change that. I can have love, compassion, show understanding for their thoughts/opinions... but they are probably still going to default to "I'm right. You're wrong."
So... I accept. I let go... and I move on. Ah, then I am at peace again.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon