Hi dancingnow,
I am currently going through the same process, so I know where you are coming from. This is a bit of my own ES&H.
My AH of 23yrs and I separated about 3 months ago and we both live on our own, working and taking care of ourselves individually. My AH has been sober for almost eight weeks, so its very early days. He previously managed 5 months before relapsing.
He reached his rock bottom after I left him, didnt want to loose me, and is currently working hard on his sobriety. He really seems to 'get it' this time and is saying and doing all the right things. I believe he is genuine but time will tell. TBH I am a little scared of him relapsing again and feeling hurt once again, so I am continuing with working on myself, going to therapy and enjoying the time on my own. I have told him that my boundary is to never have alcohol in my life again so I need to protect myself by making sure that I keep doing what I am doing and have something to fall back to, if it all goes pear shaped. I have carved out a very different life for myself since discovering Al-anon, SR and therapy.
I do have some resentments but nothing that is getting in the way of our new flourising relationship. We do intend to get back together sometime in the future and I plan on having some marriage guidance councelling to get everything out in the open so that we can move forward, but for now I am happy to let him work on himself as I think that he has enough to cope with.
We are openly talking quite a bit now, when we meet up at weekends and if/when I do bring up past hurts or negative behaviours he is very receptive to hearing them and very appologetic. I tell him not to say sorry but to show me he is sorry by continuing to stay sober. He has a lot of making up to do.
I do like to hear his words though, especially when there are no red flags or warning signs and sometimes I think that I am asking him things subconsciously just to test him and make sure he really does 'get it'. Its slowly sinking in for me too that my AH does appear commited to life long sobriety and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
I am lucky (IMO) that I still have that 'loving feeling' you described. My AH has been an alcoholic, verbally abusive, controlling, had an emotional internet affair, smoked behind my back and porn surfed and truly put me through some awful times during our 23yr marriage but I am still able to forgive him and love him despite all of this. I dont want to sound like a martar, I am in a healthy place and mind following 18 months of individual therapy and 'it is what it is'.
My AH had been telling me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. I tried to detach but found that I couldnt totally do that and knew that I could no longer live with the drinking, so I left. I expected to be on my own for some time. I still loved him but at that stage I was prepared to move on for my own sanity and health.
There is that saying at Al-anon about not having to do anything now. Wait until things become more clearer for you. Give it time - all will be revealed. It may be that you never get that 'loving feeling' back and that would be ok - wouldnt it?
We all put up with so much that is not normal, living with an alcoholic, its no wonder we are messed up in our thinking and ourselves. It took me 23yrs (30 yrs of knowing my husband) to get that way, so it might take a few years to retrain my brain! I am learning to put my self first and get my own life the way I want it and if that means being on my own, if my AH relapses, then so be it.
Now I have rambled!