Old 09-21-2011, 07:16 PM
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dancingnow
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Period of sobriety and not feeling much toward AH

My AH is what seems to be a little beyond early recovery. (maybe 6 months sobriety after a 2 month relapse which came after 4 months of sobriety) We are interacting more sanely with each other, mainly regarding our kids and for projects around the house even though he is not living with us (ie - cleaning the garage, yard - things that have gone neglected for awhile).

I am having some trouble keeping myself from showing my resentment for the past and I am thinking it might be because I still have a lot more recovery on my part.

For example when AH makes comments about feeling pleased about something and not what he expected (ie. participating in parent night at the kids school or getting something done more efficiently) I am quick to remind him that he spent the last 6 years not really being present for these things or hungover. I feel like I constantly need for this to be acknowledged and shortly after I do say these things, I feel bad about it but not really bad enough to not do it next time.

We are having more sane conversations when we disagree about stuff but I just feel so distant from AH and I can't seem to bring up good feelings toward him.

He doesn't seem to be bothered too much by this, although we still spend a large part of time NC. I don't really seek out spending time with him as I made it clear I did not want to spend time with an A that is not in recovery and have left it up to him to seek me out as he works on his recovery.

In typing this out I am feeling I need to apologize to my AH for constantly reminding him about his past A behavior. Perhaps it is part of my recovery and I am feeling resentment about having to take responsibility for my resentment. It's especially hard as it is on my mind now and I know that if I call him at this late hour he won't answer as he is very good about taking care of himself now and not being bothered when he needs to go to sleep. Again typing this out I am telling myself I must respect that and deal with my feelings myself as I won't get any empathy for how I feel from him anyway.

I am thinking that I need to focus more on what it means to take care of myself and just let my HP help me deal with the remnants of my resentment when it is time.

I don't know. After 25 years being with someone and alcohol probably always being there I have no idea of what a healthy relationship is and I seem to have lost touch with my feelings. A good thing is that I don't get angry much now, even though some resentment still seems to be hanging on.
I feel so much better when I am by myself or with other people than I did a year ago so I know I am making progress in recovery.

Maybe it was just too long and "I lost that loving feeling". This makes me feel sad but wondering if that "loving feeling" was just my fantasy.

Hope this isn't too rambly. Any other's ESH is appreciated.
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