Considering I spent nearly 40 yrs (I'll be 40 in May) being the ultimate control freak, I'm figuring it's going to be at least another 40 before I have this figured out...
You guys have been so helpful. I found myself earlier today essentially pouting and having a full on mini pity party for myself. In the past I'd have gone away for a while, felt sorry for myself and waited for something to happen to improve the situation (I'd still have searched for a job but wouldn't have been as pro-active as it occurred to me to be today). Today I felt sorry for myself and wanted to pout and say "but you don't understand" and "sure, 12 steps is great when you have a job" and act like a petulant 4 yr old. But I recognized that I was being like that instantly and told myself to knock it off and took very seriously all the advice that was offered and sure enough it made sense and I have to just trust that what I can't control/see/predict/figure out alone will somehow all work out as it's supposed to.
I'm going to continue searching for jobs while this subbing thing gets sorted out since I can't put all my eggs in one basket but it's remarkable how much calmer and well, in control I guess I feel right now. Even when things are totally out of control if I can keep my head on straight I can get through it I think... Who'd have thought?!?! Certainly not me!