I re-read my original post of yesterday, daaayumm! I came off so callous, so uncaring towards all that I've done, all that I've hurt. As if it was a list of bullet points to cross off! A highlight reel of my wake...
I can still remember the grief and GUILT about my choices, and moving on and through each situation as if it was my very survival... and in a sense, I guess it was. I look back now, and know that it was the "alcohol voice" within, telling me to run before the "villagers with torches" could catch up!
In reading this post thus far... its plain to see that I still carry the guilt with me. I remember a friend from years ago, telling me to "drop the rock" and perhaps its time to start working on that here. Kinda like Professor Fudger said in his post to me yesterday, "when one door closes, another door opens." SR is my door...
Failedtaper, this really hit me as well: I've been reading lots of stories lately about people relapsing after relatively long periods of time. It's scary, because it's been over 20 years for me, and yet I know I am still susceptible.
I just read a post this morning about someone who was 2 yrs sober and relapsed... I fear the strength and diligence that it takes to stay sober, because sometimes my self worth just doesn't allow for this! Its a scary prospect, this sober thing... scary indeed! BUT, this I do know... I like me more when I'm sober! (that didn't come out right, hee)
Dee74, thank you for this: You may find some like minded souls on our secular recovery forum too:
Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Will definitely check it out!
And Hevyn: "I never imagined that I'd be able to live without alcohol. How could anything ever be fun or exciting again? Then I realized it had probably been 20 years since drinking had actually been fun and carefree. Even though I'd tried to find that early euphoria, I knew in my heart it wasn't coming back."
OMG, after reading that, it was like lightning shooting through!!!! I can remember being so excitied at the prospect of being numb, only to find myself hours later... sloppy and irritated and at MY own party of one.... and it never feeling like it did when I was first drinking all those years ago... so why in the hell was I STILL chasing that dragon, for lack of a better word/phrase????? As you said, euphoria.
THIS is why its good to be here! As I read somewhere else yesterday... only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic!
Here's hoping for another strong day, for each and every one of us!!!!
FJ