He had 8 months (since his DUI and moving in w/ his brother) to get his act together. He says he's NOW going to start going to AA as of this Thursday;
He's talking about it because he's talking to you. More hooks and manipulation from where I sit. He hasn't actually done it yet and he didn't do it in the last 8 months.
he's also made an appointment to see his primary doc to discuss options with her (but will refuse to do any type of inpatient treatment based on a previous bad experience as an inpatient in the mental health ward).
Quack quack. He made an appointment (so he says). He knows his options already. Again, to me, this looks like a bunch of bluster as a way to hook you back in. He's doing a whole lot of talking and promising a whole lot of not much.
the reality of the dividing of our assets and having court proceedings fast approaching has hit him hard.
Yes, well, reality bites sometimes. That doesn't mean you have to fix it for him or shield him from it. It is a big deal for you too. Is he showing any concern at all for you?
He says he loves me and realizes he needs to get help and change.
Then give him the opportunity to go get help and change. You are not part of that process.
Until I see any action or proof of change is there any point in believing him or getting my hopes up?
I do not think so no. One of the biggest lessons I've learned personally is to listen to the actions, not the words. It is the only way for me to keep a clear head because to listen to the words and ignore the actions is crazy making if they do not match. Actions matter. Words are weapons in my book. Tools of manipulation, blame-shifting, guilt, emotional abuse even.
But I can't help but wonder -- maybe my experience and story will be different? What percentage of A's are able to work a successful recovery program and stick with it? Maybe my AH will be one of those success stories?
Maybe he will be. He hasn't actually done anything yet that would put him in that group but you just have to wait and see. Focus on you and your recovery, making decisions that are in your best interest in the here and now (not on what might be) and you can build a success story for yourself regardless of what he does.
I've still been reading other's posts and attending weekly Al-Anon meetings as my lifeline. I fear I'm regressing back into a state of denial and need a reality check...
Did you journal at all? I don't so I used to go back and read my first posts here and I also read the stickies at the top a lot when I felt I was in need of a reality check.
When things became a little confusing it also really helped me to think about what was in my best interest, think about my boundaries, and looking for that small voice inside (or gut feeling) and trying hard to listen to it instead of ignoring or even arguing with it.
There is time. Wait and see what happens.