djayr

Hi Everyone--

I've been on this site for a while now, appreciating stories so similar to my own. I am feeling so low today due to AW's drinking and behavior, because yesterday I really got clobbered. I am so angry and hurt.

17 year marriage, no kids, multiple hospitalizations, near-death experiences, etc etc.

I filed for divorce in early 2011 because AW fell off the wagon (again) and for the first time, started cheating on me. I found text messages with "I love you! / I love you too!" on her cell phone at that time, exchanging sweet nothings with other men. Several men. She denied denied denied ever having a physical affair with them.

She moved out for a while but like an idiot, I took her back when she got sober this past April. It was AW's favorite kind of recovery -- she had a siezure, went via ambulance into the hospital for about a week, detoxed, and then took credit for getting sober! Nice program! She did 1-2 weeks of half-a$$ follow-up and gave herself a clean bill of health. Anyone familiar with this kind of "do-it-yourself" recovery program?

After she moved in we had separate bedrooms, and then things started warming up a little. You know how nice A's can be when they're sober? I was giving her more credit than she deserved just for being straight.

Anyway, she fell off the wagon in July due to "stress" at a part time job she took -- and at that point, I BEGGED her not to keep going. She was drinking wine, not vodka, and it had only been for a couple of days when I confronted her. Since this was the 6th time she fell off the wagon I knew that time was very, very short before she became physically addicted again. I tried everything in the codie playbook: begging, crying, threatening, loving, caring, forgiving, you name it.

She kept drinking. In fact, she upgraded to vodka within a few days and as always, her daily addiction began its progressive slide.

I renewed my resolve to get divorced (thank god we were still filed under an extention I had secured while changing to a legal separation), and I am determined to go through with it.

For her part, she is not only in denial about drinking, she doesn't think I will end it! I'm probably confusing her by living with her, trying to be nice, and actually going out with her sometimes -- but I don't really want to pi$$ her off because of the very large amount of money at stake in the separation. I have made her a very generous and fair offer which my friends and family think is too much, but I am trying desperately to keep this friendly. (And you know, we codies can't stand it if someone doesn't like us, hate conflict etc. -- these impulses are part of my DNA now).

So this brings me to the punchline. She has been disappearing for long periods of time. This is a typical pattern. I got the funny feeling she's been with other men, i.e. she was gone for 6 hours yesterday and she said she was "shopping". This is ridiculous. So after she passed out I checked her phone and there was a message:

"This is John, you'll have to come over again tomorrow because you left your milk here." I had asked her to pick up some milk. She must have left it at this guy's house.

Ouch.

The lying, the elusiveness, the unfaithfulness -- I don't deserve this. I've never touched another woman in 17 years.

I am just expressing the unbelievable frustration that comes from giving til it hurts. It's freaking brutal.

Of course I am more resolved than ever to get this legal separation done no matter what it takes, if I don't keel over first. Lord have mercy.

Thanks for listening everyone.