Florence

Man, I feel like an idiot. Rant ahead.

Hey all -- long time no see. I've been busy with the new baby (1 month old!) and recovering from the emergency c-section (the effects of which I swear will never end), and partially because my AH was doing so well staying sober and working his program.

But as I *should have* expected, AH fell off the wagon. Said it was too much. Couldn't handle the baby's crying, couldn't handle the job search, or starting classes again, or having to fill in around the house since I was down after the surgery. He decided it would be a great idea to drown his feelings in vodka, and I, per my explicitly stated boundary about no drinking here, asked him to leave. Nice little vacation away from the family for him, huh? Whatever the case, whatever his reason, I'm now in the position of taking care of a newborn by myself, doing everything around the house while recovering from surgery (which is a no-no) and am the sole breadwinner for myself and two kids. There is no excuse for being under the influence and trying to care for an infant, and I can't in good faith allow it. Period.

He's living out of his car and was making noises about this just being a slip-up, and that he could get it back together quickly. I fell for it and let him come over for a meal and a shower, after explicitly saying I wouldn't let him stay here. While he was here he ate and showered and held the baby for about ten minutes. The rest of the time, when he talked at all, he basically complained about being broke and homeless and making a ton of excuses about why he drank, telling me about "the alcoholic mind", quack quack quack. Before he showered, he explained that he smelled of vodka because he hadn't been able to shower in three days. After his shower, he was still sweating vodka, so I know he wasn't being honest about when he had his last drink. I thought to myself, man, if I'd known that he was lying about that I wouldn't have opened the door for him. This guy is using me again.

Luckily, I had already taken complete control over the finances after his last relapse, so AH has no money and I'm protected that way. I have no idea where he got the money for his rotgut booze, but it's not my problem.

I guess I'm just disappointed -- in him of course -- but also at myself for having this magical thinking that we'd be totally okay. Because we are IN LOVE, or whatever crap I was rationalizing with. And I'm fighting with myself too for STILL having the internal argument -- he can come home and we'll figure it out and everything will be fine! vs. Kick this dude to the curb before he hurts you or your children any more than he already has.

I can't trust him -- not with money, the house, the kids, the car, the bills, not with my feelings or my needs, or to take care of himself! So while I'm whining to myself on the one hand that I don't want to be alone, or have to face the music that my marriage is dead in the water, there's not a whole lot to salvage. No matter how much I love him -- and I do, I really do -- I keep thinking that I am too young to try to save a relationship this dysfunctional and always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I deserve to have a good marriage. A two-way marriage.

So why does it feel so bad? It feels so, so bad.