(((MTUSA))) - I do believe I was born a codie. I was always trying to "fix" people and situations, though neither of my parents were like that (dad is NOW). It was being in a 20-year relationship with a verbally/emotionally abusive man (my first love) that led me to want to get numb. Started out drinking with him, when that stopped working (I actually lost interest when we broke up), turned to high potency opiates, then finally to crack.
That's why I've had to deal with my codie issues along with the addiction ones. I didn't realize how much addiction is in my dad's side of the family at the time, and I do believe there is a genetic tendency, but I don't blame anyone but myself. I made the bad decisions.
Yes, you do have a former crackhead as a friend
The people here have given so much to me, I simply want to give back, and I do understand that for those loved ones that don't understand addiction, it often helps to hear what goes on in the mind of an addict.
I won't kid you, it's not going to be easy to just say "hmmm" at first, but the more you do it? The better it feels. You may also get the "you don't love me" line, but that's just further manipulation..he knows he is loved, do not doubt that. Another great line that I learned from (((CatsPajamas))) is something like "you're a smart boy, I'm sure you can figure this out".
FWIW, I was raised that I never leave the house, hang up the phone, without saying "love you", even if we're arguing. It's deeply ingrained in me, and I am comforted that the last conversation I had with my mom, before she died, we both ended with "love you".
It takes time, he will resent the changes in you, continue the manipulation, but the more you are consistent, I think he'll get it. He's got plenty of time to figure it all out.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy