MTUSA.....I'm pretty new to this site and been away for a few days but am going thru exactly what you are with my daughter. Her DOC is heroin. But has also gotten in trouble with alcohol and meth. She has been thru state rehab (prison rehab) three times. The first time she was in for 6 months, started using again in the half way house.
In for 4 months, then got drunk and totaled her truck. Back in for 4 months and I was totally convinced she had finally 'got it'. Going to school, passing UA's, completed IOP, living at home etc. Then the judge asked for a hair follicle test. I am always so shocked....don't know why.
She says she will turn herself in when she is ready. I did not hear from her for a month except an occasional txt saying she loved me.
Having said all that...I too had similar experiences with Alanon about 10 years ago dealing with XAH. I had very negative thoughts about it. But after encouragement from this site I have discovered a wonderful group going thru many of the same issues as we are with addicted and alcoholic children. They have been quite open, understanding, and encouraging.
I know my daughter is eventually going to do prison time and I hate it. But it was her choice. I still have a hard time believing what addicts/alcoholics are willing to throw away. Reading on the AA and NA forums have helped me there also. I do know that I am finally learning to detatch. I have not tried to find her, haven't texted her unless she did so first. I'm just trying to take care of me.
Good luck to you with your son. I truly know your heart is broken. And it is worse with a child than a husband.....at least for me. Fortunately the X is now sober and we can at least discuss what is going on.