Even your name says it - you want to be healthy. This is such a tough journey. Even as we untangle and improve our own actions/reactions, it sometimes still hurts. A lot.
This disease is so awful. Many of us still love our A, even if we are separated. So even with true detachment and improved behavior on our part, it still hurts interacting with A- wether they are drunk,sober,mean,kind...sadness and hurt just seem to b part of journey.
I have been NC w/ my stbxah but even seeing him at court is challenging. When he spoke badly of me, and tried to disparage me in front of judge, it hurt. Yes, I know it's his disease. They need to try and make us look bad so they can look ok, so their alcoholism can be defended. At all costs!!! We all know this logically. But I agree with you, it still hurts. On some core level I think we need to know that we are still loved, thought highly of, worthy. It seems unfair that we have taken on so much and are appreciated so little. But we can't be victims. I feel your sadness, yet we can't expect to feel "good" after interactions with an A that is not in true recovery. I keep needing to learn this lesson over and over and over.
I'm glad you posted. I can really relate to your feelings. Growth is a process, and you've already realized you deserve better than this situation. Hugs to you. Keep being strong for you and kids. For me it feels like building a wall that just he cannot penetrate. Super super hard when u still love someone. But doable!