MTUSA,
My father was an alcoholic and we watched him die slowly while he made everyone around him completely miserable for decades. As adult children of alcoholics it affects us very deeply when someone we love falls into addiction... it is so very painful because of our helplessness that we felt as children.
My brother is an addict and his drug of choice is alcohol but will add everything under the sun once intoxicated. He has been in jail over 20 times since he was 13 years old (the year he started drinking from daddy's bar). He has been in 7 rehabs and knows recovery backwards and forwards. During his sober moments he would actually open buildings and lead meetings. He is abstinent today but not really in recovery.
My mother is a 5 star enabler and she ran interference with lawyers, bail bonds and court ordered treatments for decades. My brother should have gone to prison many times but hot shot expensive lawyers got him "deals" and a bed in a rehab instead... usually a state funded rehab.
With only 1 out of 10 wanting treatment and rehab being able to get a bed it is unfair when someone is being "forced" into rehab when they have zero interest in getting sober... it is taking that bed from someone else who may truly want recovery. That is why those people wouldn't let your son take a bed when he clearly was not "ready" for rehab.
The catch 22 of addiction is that in order to get sober the addict must desire sobriety above all else and be willing to do anything and everything under the sun to get it. We cannot love them to sobriety nor can we force them with incarceration or threats.
That is why many of us have found peace by turning over our loved one to our Higher Power because we are powerless ourselves to effect or force the change we desire so much. It has been my faith that has sustained me at the most difficult times when I was sure that my loved ones were going to die ... both of them are on a good path right now and they didn't die but the truth is that they are both severe alcoholics and either could relapse at any time. Living with that fact and finding and keeping serenity for ourselves is the challenge that all of us face each day.
Can you buy books for your son in jail? Many times they allow you to buy through Amazon and have them delivered straight to jail if you cannot give books directly. Check this out ... a great book to send him would be Beautiful Boy ... it is the true story of a codependent father whose son gets addicted and he pours his heart and his life into "saving" Nick. One of the best books to help others understand how addiction affects the family ever written.
Sending cards and letters are very appropriate ... he is in a prison of the addicted self ... let him know you love him but cannot support or help feed the addiction. Small gifts and commissary is not enabling in MY OPINION... jail is a difficult and hard place and a cup of cocoa or chocolate bar in not the same as giving cash to an active user.
My prayers are with you and your son ...