saying this aloud here to get it off my chest
I don't want to let this bother any more of my day today and I find that typing things out really helps me let go of stuff sometimes so here it is...
On 9/11/01 I was working in a high rise building in Boston. After the first plane hit the twin towers my building was evacuated. My colleagues and I milled around, learned of the second plane hitting and I walked home stunned, sad etc.. like the rest of the country.
I called my then BF, now AH and left a message. He was living out of state at the time.
I didn't hear from him for the next week.
It bothered me greatly that he didn't call me back that day, didn't care to offer comfort, didn't want to connect with me etc...
I pushed it out of my mind at the time, never told him it bothered me and frankly, pretended it didn't bother me even though it did.
Today, 10 yrs later I am feeling very very sad about all of this. I am sad that I didn't see what a clear sign that was that I wasn't then nor would I ever be a priority/concern to him, he wasn't going to have compassion for or love me the way I hoped he would, I denied that that hurtful act (who doesn't call their loved one for a WEEK especially during such a tragic time in this country?) and the many that followed were about HIM having issues rather than the hurtful acts being a sign that I was not worthy of love...
I am sad that I wasted so many years hoping, pleading, crying and wanting him to be someone he never was and spent those years beating MYSELF up, convincing myself that I was the cause of his actions that hurt me.
I have been angry at my AH for a long time but now I am mostly filled with sadness about the time I lost and how much of myself I willingly sacrificed because I was unwilling to accept AH for who he was.
I realize it is probably selfish to be thinking of my small issues that I felt on 9/11/01 but I am struck today with the realizations that that day stands out in my mind as a glaring example of my denial about AH and it just has kind of hit me hard. I spent that day wanting AH (bf at the time) to want to comfort me and wanting him to care-- or at least return my call (we'd been together for 3 yrs) and I wonder how different the past 10 yrs would have been if I'd said on 9/12 "enough already" and not cared if he'd called back and had decided to be done with him then...
I know regret is a waste of energy and that's why I am writing this-- I have written it out and I feell like it's helped me let go of it a lot...
Thanks...