Thanks for all the support and comfort everyone. I talked to my sponsor a record number of times yesterday and between that and talking to folks here and talking to a few good friends at a picnic at my kids school last night I ended the day feeling a lot stronger.
One of the things I find helpful to tell myself (and my sponsor reminds me of this a lot) is this:
AH is behaving no differently than he has ever behaved. I've HOPED and WANTED him to be a kind, non abusive, predictable, thoughtful, decent man but it has been the exception rather than the rule throughout the entirety of our r/s that he behaved this way. So, why exactly is it that I expect anything else and why exactly is it that I continue to be surprised/caught off guard and hurt by behaviors that he has shown me are exactly what I should expect from him.
I guess that I have resisted really embracing believing this bc I felt that it was "too mean" and meant that I was seeing him in black and white terms and not giving him a chance and all sorts of other ridiculous thoughts along these lines... I felt that thinking of him in terms of "who has he shown me to be?" and expecting that from him meant that I was viewing him negatively and not being a loving, kind person.
INSANE (on my part) to think this way. And something about this go around made me realize this fully and completely.
I will now and forever fwd see AH as he is; not as I wish he was, not as I wanted him to be, not as I hoped he'd become. I will see him as he is based on his actions.
This isn't all that profound I guess but yesterday it (the notion of accepting him as he is and being okay with admitting that who he is SUCKS) kind of hit me in a new way and I feel like it's now really internalized vs something I wanted to believe and tried to feel but didn't. I don't feel I need to apologize for disliking who he is and don't need to keep it a secret that he doesn't treat me well. I can't really pinpoint what happened/shifted, but something did. Maybe he needed to cross the line from huge jackass to guiness world record holder of jackass title (which he did thurs night) for me to finally GET that he will never, ever change and that he doesn't deserve for me to give him even one iota of possible credit for having a shred of decency. That's where my head is at now and even if it sounds extreme and mean, I'm okay with it!
PS. Survived the picnic fine, ignored AH, he tried to talk to me and give me pseudo apology. I walked away. Several friends asked if things were okay (I've kept up the "we're a happy family" lie in public to protect his image mostly and I told 2 close friends the truth last night-- not detailed but that we were separated, going to divorce and that he's an abusive alcoholic. I felt strengthened by letting down the lie and facade and feel so much better today than I have recently. Maybe for as bad as Thurs night was, I needed it to happen to push me fwd a bit more... Who knows.
I am really grateful to each and every one of you on here and for al anon and all that this site, my therapist and al anon have offered me in terms of getting my own sh*t together and getting my life on a track I am proud of/happy about.
Your support yesterday really helped me through a dark day...
Many thanks!