Lasting Effects....
Now that I am feeling like I have found myself again, I am realizing that there are seriously some long term effects to living with verbal abuse and lies and alcoholism. For example, I have NEVER been the type of person who cries. I have always been able to deal with situation, state my minds, and move on. Now I find that when I have a disagreement with someone it causes me almost an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I immediately become defensive, my tone of voice changes, and if I feel attacked I immediately shut down to nothing. This is NOT effective in dealing with conflict, but it is my reaction. It has happened twice in interactions w/ coworkers, both of which I felt extremely attacked, but after conversations realized was not their intent. I am really trying to work on this, both time it led me to tears. I don't think I realized the amount of damage to myself that was taking place when I allowed myself to live in that crazy situation. Now feeling like I have been able to step away from that life and see it for what it was, I feel like I can see what happened. It kind of scares me to know that someone else's actions toward me, can change my own behavior so much. I'm sure there are other lasting effects from living in this craziness, I am simply trying to identify them when I can, then do my best to correct these behaviors. I have to say though, as much hell as I feel like went through...I am certain I have come out a more compassionate, loving, accepting person of myself and of others. So out of this, a lot of good has come.